Running

I hate running. I really do. And even when I do it, I'm more of a jogger. Last weekend I completed the Myrtle Beach half marathon. I've gone from full marathons to half marathons. Full marathons are stupid.

But I was reminded by friends of my worst race ever. It was my fourth marathon. In 2010. In Salt Lake City, Utah. I was living in DC and flew out west just a day before the race. So as if the altitude change wasn't enough on it's own, I made sure it was the worst race I have ever run. Soon after I posted a "Things To Do/Not Do When Running a Marathon" list.

Here is that list:

1. Make sure you know the transportation (trax train) schedule for your race.
2. Don't wait around 45 minutes for a train that isn't coming to take you to the start line.
3. If at all possible, don't run a mile before the race even starts just to get to the starting line.
4. DO NOT start the marathon 1 hour late after the entire starting line and timing stuff has been removed (unless of course there are 8 other people you don't know with you, then just start the race as if you had been there on time).
5. Look at the map ahead of time. That way, if you start an hour late, you will know where to go after all the people are gone. (NOTE: if you failed to look at the map and still did not follow tip #4, just follow the trail of long-sleeved shirts and other clothes people have shed during the race. This is a great "bread crumb trail." WARNING: this "trail" will only last for about the first 8 miles of the marathon as everyone will have taken off their warm clothes by around this point.)
6. Don't worry about writing your name or other comments on your arm if you are going to start so late that you never see another person during the entire race.
7. Don't get lost. Look at the map! Didn't I tell you that in #5? You might add 1-2 miles on to your race! If you do get lost, make sure to ask friendly people outside of their houses. They might just have a printed map of the race course ready to give you if you cry enough. You are probably only two blocks west of where you wanted to be anyway.
8. Avoid leap-frogging with the truck sent to clean up the racebarricades.
9. Take the half-drank cup of OJ you find on a random table by some mountain bikers. The next station might already be closed.
10. Don't worry about all the mess you are in so far. If it is a beautiful day and the scenery is nice, just keep going.
11. Be a little concerned when the two people left at a drink station know you by your number and say things like "yup, #412 is coming in now," and "412 just left our station so try to keep yours open a little longer." Also, be concerned when you see the drink station but no one is there and you have to help yourself to the packed-up cups and water.
12. Make sure you let the marathon safety truck with EMTsfollow you on major highways when you are the very last runner on the race route. Don't feel silly about this. You will at first, but remember this is their job, they see it all the time, and you need their flashing lights where there is no shoulder or sidewalk to run on near the highway.
13. Start worrying when the EMT following you continually suggests you get in the car with him and he take you to the finish line. (after all, he did get approval to do so)
14. Call your mom from the EMT's phone to let her know you are alright. If she says she is coming to you because her marathon route got messed up anyway due to her not following tip #4, try to at least continue until you see her.
15. If you stop taking in water, stop sweating, keep throwing up and dry heaving, and have a horrible side pain that might be related to your ribs moving when you run, think about getting in that truck.
16. If the EMT pretty much makes you, and you are walking slower than a 3-year-old, think about getting in that truck.
17. When you meet your mom, feel free to cry. Face it, you've been crying already anyway. She already has seen you cry, she's your mom, and the EMT guy really doesn't care. He almost expects it.
18. GET IN THE TRUCK. Come on. At this point, they can't keep following you after 1pm and then you might get hit by a car. Or need someone else to get you anyway. They said they'll take your mom too. Everyone wins!
19. Remember that there is no shame in letting them drive you 3 miles and then finishing the race near the end. No glory, but certainly no shame considering your current state.
20. Don't fall into your sister (let's say, Liz?)'s arms when you cross the line and just start crying on her shoulder. Doing so will result in other sisters crying, as well as the finish line lady. No one needs that.
21. Go to the medic station if they told you too. Don't even worry that they have been waiting for #412 to come and have a place all ready for you because your EMT has been radioing them. Just enjoy the oxygen mask and banana they have for you.
22. Smile and enjoy the day. The pain will be gone soon enough. The memory will remain. And you are probably already signed up for the next two races you had in mind, so just give it another go then (AND REMEMBER TO APPLY ALL THESE TIPS TO YOUR NEXT RACE!)

Well, I hope this helped some of you out there. Keep running and don't forget your sunscreen! ;)